How to talk to kids so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk

After we kissed Alex goodnight, he came out to the living room and planted himself next to Ken on the sofa. Alex explained that he wanted to sleep in our bed. Ken and I kept telling him that he needed to sleep in his own bed because of A,B, and C.

Then Alex said, “No, I’ll go to my bed when mommy and daddy go to bed”

I don’t think it’s a good idea to wake you and move you to your bed.

“That’s not what I am saying”

So you are staying up until then? I don’t think that is a good idea.

“no mommy, you don’t understand”.

I do, sweetie. You want to sleep in our bed, right?

“No, I’ll go to my bed when mommy and daddy go to bed”

Well what are you going to do until then? Stay awake? You need to sleep dear. You need to grow!

Alex shouts “You don’t understand!” then ran past Ken and rushed to his room.

Ken was satisfied. “Look, he says he doesn’t want to do something, but he does. He went to his room and in his bed. He understands. He has very good comprehension”.

But as I heard Alex’s muffled cry, something told me that this wasn’t right.

So after pondering for a few minutes, I went to his room.

I sit next to Alex wondering what to say.

He talks first.

“mommy, you don’t understand what I’m saying”

I think I do. You are saying you want to stay up until mommy and daddy go to sleep.

“No”

Okay, then I think you are saying that you want to sleep in mommy and daddy bed until we go to sleep.

“No mommy, no. I’m saying I will go to sleep in my bed when mommy and daddy go to bed”

Okay, so you are going to sleep in your room when mommy and daddy go to bed, right?

“yes”

But what are you going to do until then?

“No, mommy, I am saying I will go to my own bed when you go to bed”

Yes, I understand that part. You are going to bed when I go to bed. But what are you doing until------ no, um, what is a better word --- before, that? Before mommy and daddy go to bed? We go to bed very late.

“Oh. Um… Okay, mommy and daddy work and I will read a book next to you”

So that was it. The culprit was the word “until”.

He didn’t know what it meant, so didn’t understand what I was saying.

He also didn’t have the concept of time before mommy and daddy went to sleep.

He was all worked up and fixated on the notion of going to bed only when his parents went to bed.

I explain to him that he needs to sleep so he can grow and that as grown-ups, mommy and daddy are pretty much done with growing.

“but mommy, mommy and daddy need to grow until 100”

Alex had the concept of growing and getting old mixed up as well.

I explain that when I say “grow”, I mean getting taller and stronger and smarter, while getting to be 100 means getting old.

“Oh…. Okay, I know what you are saying mommy. You’re a grown up so you only need to grow little, but I need to grow big because I’m still small”

That’s right.

“But how about 100?”

I hope we all get to be 100.

Alex is all bright eyes and smiling now.

“I want the living room to be next to my room and the bathroom next to my room to be where the living room is. And the kitchen can be next to the bathroom”

I see, so it’s like our apartment in New York, right? The living room close to your room.

“Yeah, and mommy’s room is my room and my room is mommy’s room. And Katie and Mark’s rooms are upstairs. You need to use the stairs. ”

Wow, so we have stairs in our apartment?

“Yeah, I’m mixing up the rooms and wish all the rooms were my way”

It sure is one big interesting apartment.

“Yeah, it’s big and fun. …Mommy, you can go now”

I am startled. I realize then and there that this situation is exactly like those explained in the book ”How to talk to kids so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk”. It took a good 10 minutes, but he completely recovered.

“Oh mommy, I have an idea. You can bring your computer for work to your bedroom next to my room. Daddy can stay and work in the living room”

Oh Alex, that’s a good idea. But unfortunately, I have lots of cables and things connected to the cables.

“That’s all right. You can bring all of it to your room so you can work there all the time.”

Well I will certainly consider it, okay?

“Okay, and daddy can help you”

Thanks for the advice. I love you. Good night.

“Good night”

So just like that.

I sat there, listened to my son, agreed with him, repeated what he said, and he came up with a suggestion all by himself. JUST AS THE BOOK PREDICTED. This is scary stuff.

I bought this book at the suggestion of some friends but it was left on the shelf untouched for 3 years. And then, I decided to read it simply because I ran out of things to read. The case studies all sounded too good to be

true. I was very skeptical thinking, yeah, well MY child will not react like that! But then when I unwittingly did what the book tells parents to do, simply because I was lost, a completely new situation opened up.

Now I have to remember to show my appreciation for Alex trying so hard to communicate with me, tomorrow morning.